Archive for category nonsense

Irritation With A Vengeance

Irritating people come in all shapes and sizes; random people who ask you random questions at random places. Absent-minded and omnipresent, they keep doing stupid things and irritate you. From elevators to movie-theaters, aur bus stops se le kar local trains tak, they are found everywhere. Wherever you go, their network follows! Well, enough is enough and its payback time! JAM presents the ‘Dummies Guide to Pissing People Off in Public Places.’

Local Trains

Target: Elderly uncle who’s returning home after a hard day’s work.
1) Find a ’sleeping’ uncle. Wake him up and pop the magic question, “Boss! Kaunsa station hai?” Repeat experiment after every station (till he yells). Finally tell him, “Yard jaana tha.”
2) If the train is empty, find your ‘target’ and ask him to move his bag from the next seat. Insist on sitting there even though the train is empty.
3) Find ‘target’ deeply engrossed in a newspaper. Tilt your head upside down and peek into the paper. Read the news out loudly and incorrectly. Repeat experiment till he folds the paper and keeps it away. Ask if you can borrow the paper. Sit on it.
4) Talk on your phone. Very, very loudly in Gujarati. Spread random stock market rumors. Then hang up saying, “Bye Mummy.”
5) Eye the target’s bag suspiciously. Then periodically yell, “Raju… can you breathe Raju? Hang in there!”

Elevators
Target: Absolutely everybody

1) Press all the buttons. Get off at every floor. Then get back in.
2) In a crowded elevator, stretch out your arms wide and yawn loudly.
3) Keep putting your hand in the electronic sensor. Prevent the door from shutting. Repeat experiment till someone gets out and takes the stairs.
4) Take out your handkerchief and ‘reserve’ a place for your friend. Prohibit people from standing there.
5) Start a serious argument with an empty space/ imaginary friend. Get into a fist fight with him/her (a la Fight Club). That’ll freak people out!

Movie Theaters
Target: Everyone in the movie hall.
1) Go for the latest Hollywood release. After the opening credits, scream, ‘Hailaa! Yeh toh English hai!’
2) Go for a horror flick. Find a seat behind kids/old people. Silently put on a mask and tap them on the shoulder.
3) Sit next to a stranger. Strike up a conversation. Keep asking him questions throughout the movie.
4) Go for a murder mystery/ suspense thriller that you’ve already seen. During the character intro scream, “Yeh khooni hai! Yeh khooni hai!”

Restaurants
Target: The waiters/manager etc
1) Go to a crowded restaurant. Reserve a table for eight people. Sit there alone and change seats every five minutes. Eat from all eight plates.
2) Go to a no-smoking restaurant. Keep a cigarette in your mouth for the entirety of your meal… but never light it.
3) Start ogling at someone else’s food. Drool all over your t-shirt. Keep doing it till they offer you their food.
4) Go to an upmarket restaurant. Play loud bhojpuri music on your cell phone. Take your speakers along if possible.

Other Public Places
Target: General public
1) Go for a funeral. Go up to random people and ask, “Why so serious?” (see Joker mini-poster)
2) Go to a bus stop. Signal a taxi to stop. Ignore the cab. Call another one. Ignore… Repeat process as long as you wish. Get into the next bus.
3) Find a paper-walla on the road. Pick up a paper and read it completely. Return it and walk off.
4) Ask a stranger for directions. Insist that he is wrong. Start an argument.
5) Go to a cafe which has a jukebox/digital jukebox. Buy a lot of tokens. Request for the same Himesh song 10 times. They have to play it. Leave the cafe.

The writer happens to be my retard roommate, Self-obsessed and disillusioned, Rohan is not only a complete retard but also more twisted than Satan himself. His sense of humour can put a stand-up comedian to shame..

This was originally published in JAMMAG

STATUTORY WARNING: Do not try this at home. (Try this at public places instead!)

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Hyderabadi Hangover

What would essentially happen with a bunch of drunken guys at 11 PM sitting in Hyderabad having watched Hangover just a week before? Hau Sulemaan, kya bataan karte? Hum bhi hangover manate baap. (Yes, Sulemaan, what you saying mate? We shall also make our own ‘hangover’!

Abhishek and I started off packing some crab meat, some chicken and some more chicken. By the way, Ravi if you are reading this it might interest you to know the crab meat is still in your car; and we came back some 3 days back. We stopped over for some usual ‘bakar’ or ‘chutiyaap’ (My dictionary fails when I try to translate this) as many would identify having done before. Here I prove it below; and it’s a precious little picture because of three things:

1. We tried to rip the guys head off and failed but succeeded in escaping

2.  This is the only snap we got during the trip, and it was very much in Hyderabad

3.  This is a prime example of Reddy Teddy

One retard with teddy

Another retard with the reddy teddy

Guess who is more drunk?

We lost our way somewhere when we were trying to exit the city. Apparently our navigators on the road know only one direction – “seeda jaake right (go straight and take a right)”. The problem is straight could be either left or right, so we ended up reaching 40 kms away from the city in the opposite direction. The funny thing is, people now said “Seeda jaake straight (go straight and then go straight)” everytime we asked them.

We stopped next to a local hyderabadi and tried to coax him into telling us the direction. This pathan refuses to look at us. What the fuck man! very coolly he turns his head in the opposite direction and he are all but pulling his lungi to tell us the directions. He still wouldn’t budge.

I don’t quite remember much of the journey once we did hit the right road. All I remember is telling others to burn my balls if I was wrong. We were on the right road, because my balls are intact now when I look at them with admiration.
We reached the place finally covering some 180 odd kilometers. I think we would have reached in some two and a half hours. We gorged on the biryani we had packed on the way just when a scorpion came next to us. Like retards we were staring at it; and throwing food at it. The darn thing never ate.

Abhishek and I decided to go to the beach to relax and sleep for a bit. Since we were in a crocodile infested place, we had to watch our backs and our legs. We finally gave up trying to stay awake and did sleep for an hour.
We headed back now, and woke up the other gang; and headed to the temple next to the river. It was time for a bath. We suddenly remembered. So it was a midnight road trip after all!

We reached Hyderabad back at around 11AM and slept. We slept.

We slept a bit more.

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Out of Office

OOF

One of our friends from work has this really irritating habit of putting Out of office responders, even if it’s just for two hours. Haris and I decided to put a stop to this nonsense. Here’s how we did it.

Me:
Hey,
How was the weekend for all of you?
Vinni

E-SHIT-A:
Hi. Thanks for your mail. I am in meetings today and will have limited access to my email and phone. In case of anything urgent, please message me on +91-xxxxx-42634

Me:
Why do you put Out of office for single call?

E-SHIT-A: (via her BlackBerry)
I have crazy customers who expect a 6 hr resolution commitment for everything! They need to know I m unavailable…

Haris: (6:10 PM)
Hi I a out of office for a smoke and will be back in 5 minutes. There will be a delay in responding to your mail…

Haris: (6:15PM)
Hi I am out of office for a smoke and will be back in 3 minutes. There will be a delay in responding to your mail…oh wait..I am inside now..and will reply

Me: (6:30PM)
Thanks for your email. I am driving back home and please expect delay in my response. Please SMS me on XXXXX16693 for urgent non-action.

Haris: (6:32PM)
Thank you for your mail. I am currently eating biscuits and coffee and my hands are busy but I can SEE your mail…I swear, its really wonderful and you have an amazing way with words…I will reply to the poetic expression of the opportunity as soson as this coffee is done…

E-SHIT-A (6:45PM)
U guys r really vela!

Haris: (6:34PM)
Mail received unfortunately,
Unavailable I am
Expect mine reply…in three fourths an hour

Me: (Next Day, 10:13 AM)
Sorry I am away on customer calls. Since we have been positioning 6HR Call To Repair for the price of Next Business Day support, I have to resolve the issue myself.
Please expect response after 6 hours only. Maybe 7 hours, 1 Hr for travel time.

Me: (10:15 AM)
Harish,
U realized we got no Out of Office mails today.
Madam has been office

E-SHIT-A: (10:20  AM) (From Mobile)
Forgot abt my out of office status. Will put it on all of tomorrow since it will be a holiday! N vinni, madam is in office = she hasn’t gone on calls; “Madam has been office” implies I’m an architectural transformer..!! I thought our visionary would have vocab and grammar competencies apart from great directional sense…

Haris: (7 PM)
Whatever madam says…

Haris: (Next Day, 6 PM)
Hamaar seharva main chunaav ho raha hoon…aur humra daftar poora chutti par hoon…Apka chitti padne main vilamb ho tho hum maafi mangta hoon…

Shubkamna,
Harish
Kshetra Khatha Prabandhak
Thakniki Sujhav Jhund

Me: (7:01 PM)
I am blogging this..

Haris: (7:10 PM)
Thank god you weren’t There in biblical times…I can totally imagine you staring through the stable wall, “joseph n Mary with that kid…look at all those old men and that glowy female with wings…I’m totally blogging this!”

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