13 Ways to Survive an MBA Program

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You must have read this post already for those who are planning to do an MBA. (The 11 point MBA Check List) For those who did not wish to listen to my ‘expert’ comments; here is one that will keep you going for two years while you are in the hell hole called MBA in a ‘premier’ B-school. After reading this, even my pet monkey, Albert would ace it.

  1. Be slow in responding to people who wish to ask for help. Do respond, once in a while but ensuring a kickass result. The lesser you respond and do a good job, higher the chances of people coming back to you would be. You will see your market value shoot through the roof. People might even pay you in pizzas and burgers for the favours you do for them. Not to mention ‘other’ favours. Act busy always and keep random excel sheets and PPTs open all the time, so you can switch to them, when people want some help with something. The standard line should, “Geez dude, I am so sorry I am working on this important paper”.
  2. Take the role of a coordinator in all class projects. This will ensure two things, one you don’t need to work and two, and you still ensure a good result because you are in control of the content that goes in. Make it a point to give finishing touches to the PPT, so you can add your name to the top of the team list.
  3. Never volunteer for any fest, program or event that is happening in college. Make them come to you, by spreading stories about how you coordinated the entire fest for your under graduate college by ‘leveraging’ the local BBCs/CNNs in your batch. Let them come to you, so you can negotiate for free food coupons.
  4. When people talk to you, always stare into the laptop while responding back. Keep dummy windows open just in case. Pesky ones will give up, and the pretty ones will try to get you laid for attention.
  5. Keep the options open during an exam. It’s best to be the first one to sit in the hall, to get the most strategic positions. Remember the one, about helping people. Now you ask for the favour, from those you helped. Remember; only help those who can help you back! And one more thing, CHEAT!
  6. Never keep more cigarettes than you need for the moment. You will have people bum it off you before you realise, considering the strong network of smokers in B-schools. Keep a few hidden away, just in case someone comes along who could be of help to you in the future (previous point)
  7. Be the first to download all the pirated software, the microsecond they are released. Keep options open to get them sent to you as well from under graduate friends; especially those on F.R.I.E.N.D.S, and other series. People never outgrow F.R.I.E.N.D.S and you will always find suckers for those. Negotiate with them for the getting their notes, help in exams in exchange for the software, movies and TV serials (WHICH SHOULD HAVE A TIMER TO STOP WORKING AFTER 10 DAYS).
  8. Sucking up to the faculty by acting well in class usually does not help. What helps is massaging their battered egos. Tell them about how they changed things in the ‘Giant of the MNC’ they worked for in their younger days and constantly remind them how their guidance is important for the paper you are writing. At the right moment, give them an empty sheet to write the paper. For bonus marks in the exam, call them by their late designations (Manager, Director, Brand Manager), and by telling them how much you respect them.
  9. Never panic when given show cause notices. Show causes are never given to single students, there are always more involved, unless of course you were sleeping with the Director’s wife/daughter. Conveniently, accept the whole blame and watch them squirm at your sheer courage. Also get the other faculty to talk good about you, by keeping them on your side. (Previous point). See how the others get into trouble and come out of the shit in no time, purely on Honour!
  10. Joint the placement team. This gives you a free chit to not attend classes, and gets you the best contacts in the industry ensuring you get the best job and others don’t. Also trade good positions in other companies you don’t want for food, sex and money.
  11. Get juniors to do your homework once you make it into the placement team. They would gladly do it, since you are in a position of power. Remember, dictate terms very clearly, be rude and see them coming back to you all the time.
  12. Put vague status messages on social networks, like “Really getting into this thing right now. The numbers are mind blowing”. Keep others wondering, what you are up to and when asked respond back the tried and tested, “Check the latest HBR”. Conveniently ignore when asked for the same later on.
  13. The last and most important bit of information. Always make false claims about the job offers you left before getting into an MBA. Make tall stories about how much people were willing to pay you to join them, and left all of them because you wanted to follow your passion. If anyone ever asks, what you want to do after an MBA, always and I mean always say: “I want to start my own venture, but I want to work for a while”. Once you start working, not only will you forget about the false statement, so will others.

You: “Oracle was willing to pay me 7 lakh CTC but I refused it, MBA is what I wanted to do. This is my true calling; so I am not here for the money. It’s a higher purpose”.

Others: Bow to the master.

13 Responses to “13 Ways to Survive an MBA Program”

  1. hahaha really good one ;)

  2. RohitNo Gravatar says:

    Good stuff!
    Nothing on plagiarism? Any workarounds there? :D

  3. IswaryaNo Gravatar says:

    Really good one, Vineet. A slight Scott-Adam-ish touch. Me likes!

  4. AnchitNo Gravatar says:

    Ha ha ha!!
    Good one dude!

  5. AdityaNo Gravatar says:

    Brilliant…

    Please add…

    14. CCP - The ultimate abbreviation which is a lifeline for all of us…

  6. ha ha ……Why dont you write a book !!
    Keep writing …

    @DP

  7. GurditNo Gravatar says:

    Hehe, a post from an MBA to other MBAs. :P

    I don’t think anyone who hasn’t spent a year or two in a B-school would be able to appreciate this.

  8. prashantnNo Gravatar says:

    Best of Luck for the upcoming Mumbai Bloggers Meet. I am sure; it will be a grand success.

    Would you like to part of the IndiBloggers - Linkedin Group

    http://innovationinbanking.blogspot.com/

    warm regards
    prashantn


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