Irritation With A Vengeance


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Irritating people come in all shapes and sizes; random people who ask you random questions at random places. Absent-minded and omnipresent, they keep doing stupid things and irritate you. From elevators to movie-theaters, aur bus stops se le kar local trains tak, they are found everywhere. Wherever you go, their network follows! Well, enough is enough and its payback time! JAM presents the ‘Dummies Guide to Pissing People Off in Public Places.’

Local Trains

Target: Elderly uncle who’s returning home after a hard day’s work.
1) Find a ‘sleeping’ uncle. Wake him up and pop the magic question, “Boss! Kaunsa station hai?” Repeat experiment after every station (till he yells). Finally tell him, “Yard jaana tha.”
2) If the train is empty, find your ‘target’ and ask him to move his bag from the next seat. Insist on sitting there even though the train is empty.
3) Find ‘target’ deeply engrossed in a newspaper. Tilt your head upside down and peek into the paper. Read the news out loudly and incorrectly. Repeat experiment till he folds the paper and keeps it away. Ask if you can borrow the paper. Sit on it.
4) Talk on your phone. Very, very loudly in Gujarati. Spread random stock market rumors. Then hang up saying, “Bye Mummy.”
5) Eye the target’s bag suspiciously. Then periodically yell, “Raju… can you breathe Raju? Hang in there!”

Target: Absolutely everybody

1) Press all the buttons. Get off at every floor. Then get back in.
2) In a crowded elevator, stretch out your arms wide and yawn loudly.
3) Keep putting your hand in the electronic sensor. Prevent the door from shutting. Repeat experiment till someone gets out and takes the stairs.
4) Take out your handkerchief and ‘reserve’ a place for your friend. Prohibit people from standing there.
5) Start a serious argument with an empty space/ imaginary friend. Get into a fist fight with him/her (a la Fight Club). That’ll freak people out!

Movie Theaters
Target: Everyone in the movie hall.
1) Go for the latest Hollywood release. After the opening credits, scream, ‘Hailaa! Yeh toh English hai!’
2) Go for a horror flick. Find a seat behind kids/old people. Silently put on a mask and tap them on the shoulder.
3) Sit next to a stranger. Strike up a conversation. Keep asking him questions throughout the movie.
4) Go for a murder mystery/ suspense thriller that you’ve already seen. During the character intro scream, “Yeh khooni hai! Yeh khooni hai!”

Target: The waiters/manager etc
1) Go to a crowded restaurant. Reserve a table for eight people. Sit there alone and change seats every five minutes. Eat from all eight plates.
2) Go to a no-smoking restaurant. Keep a cigarette in your mouth for the entirety of your meal… but never light it.
3) Start ogling at someone else’s food. Drool all over your t-shirt. Keep doing it till they offer you their food.
4) Go to an upmarket restaurant. Play loud bhojpuri music on your cell phone. Take your speakers along if possible.

Other Public Places
Target: General public
1) Go for a funeral. Go up to random people and ask, “Why so serious?” (see Joker mini-poster)
2) Go to a bus stop. Signal a taxi to stop. Ignore the cab. Call another one. Ignore… Repeat process as long as you wish. Get into the next bus.
3) Find a paper-walla on the road. Pick up a paper and read it completely. Return it and walk off.
4) Ask a stranger for directions. Insist that he is wrong. Start an argument.
5) Go to a cafe which has a jukebox/digital jukebox. Buy a lot of tokens. Request for the same Himesh song 10 times. They have to play it. Leave the cafe.

The writer happens to be my retard roommate, Self-obsessed and disillusioned, Rohan is not only a complete retard but also more twisted than Satan himself. His sense of humour can put a stand-up comedian to shame..

This was originally published in JAMMAG

STATUTORY WARNING: Do not try this at home. (Try this at public places instead!)

13 Responses to “Irritation With A Vengeance”

  1. AnwinNo Gravatar says:

    We have a guy like that in our group. His name is Anoop and you know him well. Why don’t you introduce the two?

  2. VinniNo Gravatar says:

    I wanted to, and had every intention of doing it. but like the story goes, you guys decided not to come to hyd!!!!!

  3. AnwinNo Gravatar says:

    Hmmm…good question. I am planning something though. Hopefully, will materialize within the next 2 months for a Hyderabad meet.

  4. VinniNo Gravatar says:

    anwin, you telling about a potential Hyd blogger meet is like showing meat to the tiger. I will hold you to it, and hunt you down if it does not happen.

  5. Why do you guys want to introduce me to Anoop? And who’s Anoop BTW?

  6. TwinkieNo Gravatar says:

    OMG! hahahahaha……. I have been one of the said annoyed at one time or another. Except for I’m not an uncle!

  7. VinniNo Gravatar says:

    all members of the retard community of india need to do this to pass their matriculation.

  8. RhydemzNo Gravatar says:

    I was like kinda freee.. so i wud start applying them.. ( though 5 of thm i have tried at college time , with friends… ) lol
    Dat was fun.. i saved this in my email… I wanna apply them…and then master them… :) Please add more if u come up with..

  9. Twitter Comment

    #Techniques to #Irritate #people .. #lol… A must read! Great one! [link to post]

    - Posted using Chat Catcher

  10. Twitter Comment

    RT @Rhydemz: #Techniques to #Irritate #people .. #lol… A must read! Great one! [link to post]

    - Posted using Chat Catcher

  11. Twitter Comment

    #Techniques to #irritate people….must read……[link to post]

    - Posted using Chat Catcher

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